WELL YALL FOR STARTERS........HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!
WE HAVE MADE IT YET ANUUUTHHHHAAAA ONE **DJ Khaled voice**
I dont know about yall but i never imagined being here. Like literally. Not because i've been out here being triflin but just because it sounds weird. --two thousand eighteen--just sounds like the future to me.... weird right. lmbo.
Last year for me was such a building year. Last year Eran introduced herself to me--and i am her! She was like honey listen "no more of that", "leave that alone", stop trying with that--it's not meant to be", "dont let this break you", "You're better than this", "Listen to this wisdom" "YOU'RE A WHOLE BADDDDDDIIIEEEEEEE" "Don't believe that" "You are not forgotten" "It's not the right time" "Stop comparing yourself" "You're not deemed inadequate because of what you dont have" "Do what you've been planning" "FINISH WHAT YOU STARTED".
My past years living i have had so many questions. Questions that for so long i wondered why they hadn't been answered. The Why Me's, the What if's, the If i could just, If i had enoughs ..... I spent all this time asking questions. Even when i asked. No one had answers. I didnt understand that one day the years would answer themselves. . . .
Ever try to MAKE your grass greener to feel like you can withstand what comes against you to compare itself. Ever lived under so much pressure to measure up that you find yourself drowning and your boat sinking in something that should be so easy to stay afloat on? The years that have passed continued to ask me the same question: "WHO ARE YOU?" I wish i could say that it's a simple response but because i didn't have the answer i ignored it instead of trying to figure it out. I wanted to be everything i felt was right and fitting for where i was and who i was. The years kept asking me "WHO ARE YOU?" I took it more as a "who did i want to be." I felt like because i knew how to be a chameleon that i could hide behind the camouflage that protected me and hid me just enough to make it through the situation and then go back to safely back into my shell.
At the close of the year i was so unsure about crossing over. I didn't want to die or anything i just wanted to stay where i was because i felt safe. I felt like i could handle who i trying to become. I knew that the possibility of me staying in 2017 and 2018 skipping over me was indeed impossible but i needed to figure it out because my low self esteem and fear had me so protected and comfortable where i was, but the "WHO ARE YOU" wouldn't stop torturing me is what i thought was happening. I know we all have the "New Year, New Mindset" but this new year was different for me. I sat in my room a few days ago like "Oooooo i'm going to make me a vision board, im going to get my ducks in a row and i'll be fine and SURE NUFFFFFF GUESS WHO POPPED UP AGAIN!!!! -that's right "WHO ARE YOU" waltzed right into my new year! TUHHHH!!! All i could think was dang what the heck am i doing wrong. i mean i guess im comfortable or uncomfortable....i made plans to do well this year and to make the best of it.
Last year Eran gave me glimpses of who she was, how strong she is, her potential and the ability to overcome hardships. After finding me i had to figure out a way to make new me comfortable with who i am and i guess that was a NO GO. Eran invaded my privacy and without permission allowed God to gut her. This year is setting itself to be so far beyond cliche'. There was no New Year, New Me. It's forcefully become a "New Year, BE WHO YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE, -- not "become" who you're supposed to be (because becoming means that i would have time to decide if i was in or not), but this was not negotiable; My years of questions were preparing me. Showing me how indestructible i am, showing me what i am made of and equipped me to be who i am called to be and not what's comfortable. I'd be lying if i said i knew all the things that make me me and if said this doesn't scare the living hell out me. I had to understand that beyond my comfort is not my potential but my promise!!!!!! Sitting on my promise to fit in and to hid is not what's meant for me and although i dont know all of the plan i know the Creator of it, and i know it's tailor-made for me which means that I CANNOT FAIL AND I WILL NOT FAIL.
Meeting me, being secure in me, and protecting who i am answered one of the biggest questions that has taunted me for so long: WHO ARE YOU? I AMMMMMMMM MOOOOOOOAAAAAAANNNNNNAAAAAAA lmbo. I am Eran and i am everything that makes her her. The why me's, the what ifs, the past hurts, Her flaws , mistakes, insecurities, hidden tears, her imperfections, her regrets and her loss but her fearlessness, trust in God, happiness, and ambition that now genuinely exist are sure to be the launching pad that bring her the answers this year and going forward of why all the past questions she's asked took so long to be answered.
Now that i know who i am, i understand that i can only be me, and know that i'm not perfect and that never will be but i can confidently say that my lack of perfection won't stop me being all that i am called to be. The good, bad, ugly , hurt, and hiding all tie together with the smile, happiness, love, gratitude, and motivation that have now. The years that you question will always tie into the years that reveal the answers.